Once an Ass, Always an Ass, I suppose.....

Chad is just a real piece of work.  If it weren't for my two beautiful children, I would honestly wish to God that I had NEVER met him.  I DO wish to God that he would go out of my life for good right now and leave me and my precious babies alone.  We would be just fine without him.  Actually.  We would be BETTER than fine!

What kind of an ass insists upon taking a 3 year old away from his mother for 8 days for the first time ever?  At Christmas for the first Christmas away?  AND on his baby sister's FIRST Christmas???  And to top it all off, soon he will be taking Sammie for every other weekend, despite the fact that she still nurses all night long every night and sleeps with me.

Then he tells me that he isn't going to pay for any of Sammie's chiropractor bill, because I didn't talk to him first and she has insurance.  Well, she has state insurance, which 1) doesn't pay for anything other than basic care, 2) doesn't pay for chiropractors even with a referral, and 3) he doesn't take insurance anyway.  Getting a referral through state insurance is about as fast as getting one through Indian Health.  LOL  And I DID talk to him about the chiopractor appt.  She got out of the hospital Wednesday night and on our visit Friday evening, I talked to him about her going to my chiropractor on Monday.  He made some snide comment about how he is surprised that I would take Sammie to a chiropractor because she is so young.  Yet he professes to be all into everything natural.

Grrr.  Ok, I'm trying to simmer down now.  No sense in being all in a tizzy on New Year's, right?

God, please forgive me for being so evil.  I might have given certain information to certain people that might have been interested in finding a certain someone.  I'm sorry that I did it ---ok, strike that.... that is a lie.  I'm sorry that I sunk that low but he is basically walking away scott-free from this entire situation so far.  I'm, as with our entire relationship, the only one paying the piper and it just isn't fair.  Let him have a taste of his own medicine for a change.  Sorry, God, but I guess that some people will remain asses their entire lives.

Blah..... for a lack of a better title!

Well the cold front has come in and the weather is cooler.  This makes me sooooo happy as I love jacket and blanket weather!  However, I am feeling a little under the weather today.  Thankfully I have a doctor appointment scheduled for tomorrow already and my work load is light this week.  I can definitely use a break.

I have taken Zoloft in the past and it did nothing for me.  My doctor put me back on Zoloft and gave me Klonopin (anti-anxiety) and I have to say that my pain has actually decreased by about half.  And I'm not sure if it is the medicine or if it is just time, but I can now talk about the injustice coming in January for Sammie without tears.  I wouldn't say I can talk about it without bitterness or anxiety though! 

My kids and I now dread Mondays and Wednesdays because you-know-who comes over to visit the little ones.  I am almost eager for January to get here just so I don't have to continue to subject my older kids to the seemingly constant intrusion that the situation creates.  He still continues to put his oldest 3 ahead of the little ones, but that is nothing new.  I am really REALLY tired of hearing how he is broke or doesn't have money for this or that.... thinking about asking my attorney to have him stop that, along with his accusations of me trying to cause Sammie to get autism because I get her vaccinated. 

I have to get my bankruptcy stuff going because I have a new court date for an asset hearing and I need to have it filed by then.  Don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but evidently there was a bench warrant out for my arrest.  The sheriff actually came to my house (at bedtime no less) and arrested me...... all because I didn't pay my credit card and they sued me (I missed a court date that I didn't realize I had to be at).  I can't believe how crazy my life has become.  I have never been so humiliated in my life.

Well, that is the latest update on my life.  Now I'm back to laundry and cleaning and getting stuff ready for bankruptcy court........  Hope everyone is well.

Letting go of some control....

It makes me so very sad that things couldn't have worked out with Michael, my first husband  He is such a good guy.  Most of the time, when I feel like I can't count on anyone else, I can generally count on him.  Yes he is still anal and still controlling, but he is stable and dependable.  I will have to talk more about him later..... he is coming over to teach our oldest son how to mow the yard so I don't have to mow it. 

Yes.  You read that correctly.  I'm letting go of a little bit of control in my life.  I'm absolutely terrified that something bad will happen to one of my children so I tend to not let them do anything I consider even remotely dangerous.  Like mowing the yard.  They might cut off a toe or get a rock kicked up in their eye or any one of a number of scenarios my mind can imagine.  I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle it.  I'm such a worry-wort. 

I wonder what other household tasks I can give away.......

Overboard

I went overboard.  Way overboard.  I bought Sammie so many cute dresses a few weeks ago on ebay.  Little girlie dresses are my achilles heel I do believe!  So I think today we will play dress up and take pictures of her in each dress.  I want to be able to show her all the cute dresses that she has as a baby and at least this way I know she will at least get to wear each one once, even if only for a few minutes!  LOL  Yes, I did go overboard..... I realize this.  So we will do a fashion shoot and maybe if I can figure it out, I will put a few of them up on here.

As for me emotionally, I'm not happy about Noah being gone for the holiday weekend but what can I do about it?  Nothing.  It's not like I can sit around and mope about it---- I still have my other 5 here.  It just feels like something is missing.... but it is always like that for me when one of my kids is gone, even if only to stay the night with a friend.  Anyhow.... I still have 5 children I get to enjoy and entertain this weekend.  :)

The doctor did start me on zoloft for stress and another medicine for anxiety..... maybe I'm just way more sleep deprived than when I took it years ago because within about 20 minutes of taking it, I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open. It doesn't make me sleep heavily but I do get way sleepy.  Now I have that sleepy hangover where I'm awake but I'm still half asleep.  Maybe doing some laundry will cure that for me!

Hope everyone has a blessed and safe Labor Day weekend!

Pain, Pain, Go Away........

Ok, so it isn't a definite diagnosis, but at least it is a direction to head in.  The doctor today said that she thinks due to my symptoms and past bloodwork, she thinks I may have Mixed Connective Tissue Disease.  (You can google it..... )  Right now, we aren't doing anything to directly treat the pain, but we are treating my stress and anxiety, as it is well known that those two things can greatly increase any pain you may be experiencing.  She is putting in a referral to a rheumatologist.  I feel like we are getting closer and closer to finding out what is going on with my body.... hopefully before it totally falls apart!  I love this doctor to pieces though.... she doesn't try to force feed me pain pills and is willing to run tests and do referrals to try to get to the bottom of the problem.  She understands that I'm not one to take pain pills because they are just bandaids.... they solve nothing.  I told her that I'm still breastfeeding Sammie, and she said that will limit what medicines she would give me but she fully supports breastfeeding and she fully understood when I told her that Sammie comes first and other kinds of medicines would wait.  Hell, I've been in pain this long, so what is a bit longer to continue to give my baby everything I can?  LOL  One day my body will be solely mine again.  Until then, I will submit myself to her needs!  :)  In the meantime, I will continue chanting "pain, pain, go away......" 

Shock

You know what I realized today?  My oldest daughter is almost 15 years old (and will be 15 1/2 by next summer) and I've never been away from my kids for 2 weeks.  Not any of them in 15 years.  The longest time I've been away has been 9 days.  I even gave up 2 weeks in Hawaii for the Navy Reserves to stay home and breastfeed.  So once again he will depriving me and my youngest babies from what my older 4 have had.  This saddens me greatly.

Last night at the end of visitation, he tried to get me to sign for my child support.... I told him I wasn't signing anything anymore as he burned that bridge by only telling me half truths.  He said "so you don't want a check then?"  Whatever.  I gave him the alternative of putting it directly into my account.  He was none too happy about it.  Once again, whatever.

On the upside, I got quite a bit accomplished yesterday and today.  I got this blog started, got a ton of laundry and housework done, and today I saw 7 patients (which is a GREAT day!).  Tomorrow I have 2 patients to see in the city (versus out of town) and off to the doctor.  I hope she can figure out this pain stuff.  I'm tired of hurting from head to toe honestly. 

Oooooooh and in the next few days, I will be due for my new monthly routine of a massage.  I decided about a month ago that I need to do something small for myself every now and again so I signed up at Massage Envy for the monthly massage plan.  I don't go anywhere, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't party, I don't even get to do much but clean anymore (I soooooo miss my sewing machine!)..... so I've budgeted to do that for myself.  The money is the easy part.... time is a commodity for me. 

I have some great friends in this world that are helping me more than they know.  Their words of support and understanding are doing more for me than can be imagined.  Thank you, friends.

To cooperate or not?

Hmmm......... the ink isn't even dry on the custody arrangements.  Yet he is already asking me to accommodate him for his oldest son's football schedule.  He wants me to work something out for 6 Mondays in a row.  He said he will also have to get their competitive swimming schedule, too. Part of me wants to cooperate just because that is me, though he would never admit that I'm pretty easy to get along with most of the time.  Part of me wants to say Hell No and let it be his problem.  The other part of me wants to explore how I can make this work for Sammie come January.  I want to start the visitation gradually, not so suddenly.  Maybe take her during the days on his weekends for a bit, until she gets used to him, and let me keep her in the evenings?  Do I expect that he is going to be open to this idea?  No. He is more interested in hurting me than what is best for our kids.

She sleeps with me and nurses ALL night right now and I don't see her giving that up too easily.  I wouldn't even know where to begin to know how much milk I would have to pump to send with her for a weekend.  I do good to pump just for daycare.  She is almost 8 months old right now and has not had a drop of formula.  I intend to keep it that way until I'm forced to do otherwise.  She won't even take naps without me very well and even the babysitter gave up on trying to lay her down... she usually holds her for naps too.  Maybe 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there if she lays on her own, if even that long.  Occasionally the babysitter can get her to take a longer nap in the swing, but not on a regular basis.  How can it be healthy for her to go for a weekend without much sleep?  I do not let my children CIO (cry it out).  I don't feel it is necessary at this age...... crying is how they communicate their wants and needs and to ignore their cries to me is to tell them that I don't care to hear what you are saying.  If others choose to do that to THEIR kids, then that is their choice, but I can't and won't do that to mine.

So I'm torn as to what to do.  Do I cooperate in hopes that come January he will be understanding of our daughter's needs?  Or do I say "deal with it, it isn't my problem" and not cooperate?  *sigh*

Consumed.........

I'm consumed.  Fear, worry, guilt.  I'm trying not to be but I can't help it.  I feel like I've failed my youngest two in the recent court battle between their dad and me.  All I want to do is protect my kids from this hell he has forced us into living.  The back and forth, the coming and going, the missing one parent while with the other.  He didn't even want them.  He wanted me to abort Noah and he left when I was 17 weeks pregnant with Samantha because he didn't want any more kids and harshly stated many times that he didn't want me and couldn't stand me.  Now once Samantha turns one, magically I'm supposed to switch off the breastfeeding, co-sleeping switch for her, as we are being forced into going from supervised visits 2-3 times a week to her going for an entire weekend with him.  She's going to cry.  He's not going to care.  He won't call me to come help comfort her.  It is all about him and what he wants, not what is best for her.  The judge didn't order a gradual switch.... no, it has to be this sudden change for her and I seem to be the only one in my life who thinks this isn't ok for her.  January is looming in the distance, like this huge monster waiting to devour my little girl. 

Sammie isn't my only concern, as next summer Noah (and I'm not sure if it goes for Sammie too,but I'm terrified it does) will go over there for 2 weeks.  2 weeks without my baby.  2 weeks without his mommy.  It is hard enough every other weekend but I can't imagine 2 weeks.  I will have to worry about next summer later though, as I'm already getting an ulcer over all of this and still have to face January. 

Guilt and disappointment also loom over my head with my oldest 4.  They can't stand him, yet they are subjected to seeing Chad every Monday and Wednesday right now and for the next 4 months.  They hate him.  They hate everything about him and everytime they hear he is coming, the mood in the house changes.... you can feel the hate in the air.  My daughter, Allie, won't even come out of her room when he is here.  My boys like to see how they can irritate him when he is here, just because they can.  I try to discourage it but boys will be boys... what can you do?  I have yet to discover a way to explain it to them WHY he HAS to come over to our house.  Understanding the situation escapes them right now.  They beg to leave when he is coming.  This juggling act of emotions kills me.  I can't keep all of  my children safe and happy.

I want to run.  Run far away.  Take my 6 babies and just go.  Where?  I don't know.  I don't care.  Anywhere far enough away that we can't be found or bothered.  The emotions coursing through me are beyond words.  They overtake every thought, every quiet moment.  Fear.  Worry.  Guilt.  Hate.  Disappointment.  Love.  I'm consumed...........