Consumed.........

I'm consumed.  Fear, worry, guilt.  I'm trying not to be but I can't help it.  I feel like I've failed my youngest two in the recent court battle between their dad and me.  All I want to do is protect my kids from this hell he has forced us into living.  The back and forth, the coming and going, the missing one parent while with the other.  He didn't even want them.  He wanted me to abort Noah and he left when I was 17 weeks pregnant with Samantha because he didn't want any more kids and harshly stated many times that he didn't want me and couldn't stand me.  Now once Samantha turns one, magically I'm supposed to switch off the breastfeeding, co-sleeping switch for her, as we are being forced into going from supervised visits 2-3 times a week to her going for an entire weekend with him.  She's going to cry.  He's not going to care.  He won't call me to come help comfort her.  It is all about him and what he wants, not what is best for her.  The judge didn't order a gradual switch.... no, it has to be this sudden change for her and I seem to be the only one in my life who thinks this isn't ok for her.  January is looming in the distance, like this huge monster waiting to devour my little girl. 

Sammie isn't my only concern, as next summer Noah (and I'm not sure if it goes for Sammie too,but I'm terrified it does) will go over there for 2 weeks.  2 weeks without my baby.  2 weeks without his mommy.  It is hard enough every other weekend but I can't imagine 2 weeks.  I will have to worry about next summer later though, as I'm already getting an ulcer over all of this and still have to face January. 

Guilt and disappointment also loom over my head with my oldest 4.  They can't stand him, yet they are subjected to seeing Chad every Monday and Wednesday right now and for the next 4 months.  They hate him.  They hate everything about him and everytime they hear he is coming, the mood in the house changes.... you can feel the hate in the air.  My daughter, Allie, won't even come out of her room when he is here.  My boys like to see how they can irritate him when he is here, just because they can.  I try to discourage it but boys will be boys... what can you do?  I have yet to discover a way to explain it to them WHY he HAS to come over to our house.  Understanding the situation escapes them right now.  They beg to leave when he is coming.  This juggling act of emotions kills me.  I can't keep all of  my children safe and happy.

I want to run.  Run far away.  Take my 6 babies and just go.  Where?  I don't know.  I don't care.  Anywhere far enough away that we can't be found or bothered.  The emotions coursing through me are beyond words.  They overtake every thought, every quiet moment.  Fear.  Worry.  Guilt.  Hate.  Disappointment.  Love.  I'm consumed...........