Blah..... for a lack of a better title!

Well the cold front has come in and the weather is cooler.  This makes me sooooo happy as I love jacket and blanket weather!  However, I am feeling a little under the weather today.  Thankfully I have a doctor appointment scheduled for tomorrow already and my work load is light this week.  I can definitely use a break.

I have taken Zoloft in the past and it did nothing for me.  My doctor put me back on Zoloft and gave me Klonopin (anti-anxiety) and I have to say that my pain has actually decreased by about half.  And I'm not sure if it is the medicine or if it is just time, but I can now talk about the injustice coming in January for Sammie without tears.  I wouldn't say I can talk about it without bitterness or anxiety though! 

My kids and I now dread Mondays and Wednesdays because you-know-who comes over to visit the little ones.  I am almost eager for January to get here just so I don't have to continue to subject my older kids to the seemingly constant intrusion that the situation creates.  He still continues to put his oldest 3 ahead of the little ones, but that is nothing new.  I am really REALLY tired of hearing how he is broke or doesn't have money for this or that.... thinking about asking my attorney to have him stop that, along with his accusations of me trying to cause Sammie to get autism because I get her vaccinated. 

I have to get my bankruptcy stuff going because I have a new court date for an asset hearing and I need to have it filed by then.  Don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but evidently there was a bench warrant out for my arrest.  The sheriff actually came to my house (at bedtime no less) and arrested me...... all because I didn't pay my credit card and they sued me (I missed a court date that I didn't realize I had to be at).  I can't believe how crazy my life has become.  I have never been so humiliated in my life.

Well, that is the latest update on my life.  Now I'm back to laundry and cleaning and getting stuff ready for bankruptcy court........  Hope everyone is well.

Letting go of some control....

It makes me so very sad that things couldn't have worked out with Michael, my first husband  He is such a good guy.  Most of the time, when I feel like I can't count on anyone else, I can generally count on him.  Yes he is still anal and still controlling, but he is stable and dependable.  I will have to talk more about him later..... he is coming over to teach our oldest son how to mow the yard so I don't have to mow it. 

Yes.  You read that correctly.  I'm letting go of a little bit of control in my life.  I'm absolutely terrified that something bad will happen to one of my children so I tend to not let them do anything I consider even remotely dangerous.  Like mowing the yard.  They might cut off a toe or get a rock kicked up in their eye or any one of a number of scenarios my mind can imagine.  I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle it.  I'm such a worry-wort. 

I wonder what other household tasks I can give away.......

Overboard

I went overboard.  Way overboard.  I bought Sammie so many cute dresses a few weeks ago on ebay.  Little girlie dresses are my achilles heel I do believe!  So I think today we will play dress up and take pictures of her in each dress.  I want to be able to show her all the cute dresses that she has as a baby and at least this way I know she will at least get to wear each one once, even if only for a few minutes!  LOL  Yes, I did go overboard..... I realize this.  So we will do a fashion shoot and maybe if I can figure it out, I will put a few of them up on here.

As for me emotionally, I'm not happy about Noah being gone for the holiday weekend but what can I do about it?  Nothing.  It's not like I can sit around and mope about it---- I still have my other 5 here.  It just feels like something is missing.... but it is always like that for me when one of my kids is gone, even if only to stay the night with a friend.  Anyhow.... I still have 5 children I get to enjoy and entertain this weekend.  :)

The doctor did start me on zoloft for stress and another medicine for anxiety..... maybe I'm just way more sleep deprived than when I took it years ago because within about 20 minutes of taking it, I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open. It doesn't make me sleep heavily but I do get way sleepy.  Now I have that sleepy hangover where I'm awake but I'm still half asleep.  Maybe doing some laundry will cure that for me!

Hope everyone has a blessed and safe Labor Day weekend!

Pain, Pain, Go Away........

Ok, so it isn't a definite diagnosis, but at least it is a direction to head in.  The doctor today said that she thinks due to my symptoms and past bloodwork, she thinks I may have Mixed Connective Tissue Disease.  (You can google it..... )  Right now, we aren't doing anything to directly treat the pain, but we are treating my stress and anxiety, as it is well known that those two things can greatly increase any pain you may be experiencing.  She is putting in a referral to a rheumatologist.  I feel like we are getting closer and closer to finding out what is going on with my body.... hopefully before it totally falls apart!  I love this doctor to pieces though.... she doesn't try to force feed me pain pills and is willing to run tests and do referrals to try to get to the bottom of the problem.  She understands that I'm not one to take pain pills because they are just bandaids.... they solve nothing.  I told her that I'm still breastfeeding Sammie, and she said that will limit what medicines she would give me but she fully supports breastfeeding and she fully understood when I told her that Sammie comes first and other kinds of medicines would wait.  Hell, I've been in pain this long, so what is a bit longer to continue to give my baby everything I can?  LOL  One day my body will be solely mine again.  Until then, I will submit myself to her needs!  :)  In the meantime, I will continue chanting "pain, pain, go away......"