I feel that downward spiral coming. That one that comes as you feel like you are slipping to rock bottom. I can feel depression trying to sneak up on me. I reach out and grasp a step, clinging to it to avoid the abyss that is waiting. I have to fight it. At moments I feel it all spiraling out of control and I frantically reach out for anything I can hang onto to keep from falling. For a few moments I have a reprieve but I look around, waiting for that next monster to shove me off my sacred step that has given me a momentary reprieve.
I know I'm overwhelmed right now. My kids are gone every other week this summer. I should be happy for the break, right? If only it were that easy for me. I live and breathe for my kids, even though they drive me crazy at times. If I'm to have a break for a week, you would think that would mean a break other than phone calls. Not in my case. With my oldest four being only 3 miles away, they drop by to get anything and everything. They came by tonight because one wanted a water gun, another wanted who knows what, and another one wanted CLEAN SOCKS. Doesn't your daddy have any clean socks for you or can't he wash the ones you have there? *sigh* And this was all after the oldest one came to the house because she finished driver's ed and 3 miles is too far for her to walk to her dad's (which it is right now due to the heat really); but you would think that he should have to make some kind of arrangements for her since he is supposed to be the one in charge of them for the week. Sounds like I'm complaining, I know. I'm not complaining about the kids persay, but more of the fact of constantly being taken advantage of and not appreciated. He said all kinds of horrible things to me because he wants the kids to come live with him, yet he can't manage them for a week without me nor does he provide them with everything they need. He likes to have them there and go have fun, but he doesn't want to do all the grunt work.
I look around my house and the overwhelming sense of dread overtakes me. I'm paralyzed by the sheer volume of mess that abounds. I don't know where to start, like I'm a deer in the headlights of a car coming 90 miles an hour.... I know I need to move but just don't know how or where and it's as if it is all in slow motion. Where to begin? Do I start with the dishes that I can't get any of the kids to help with or do I attempt to tackle that monster pile of laundry that is almost as tall as I am? Do I go through the kids' rooms to clean up or clean up the mess in the living room that they left? Putting it all down in words really just doesn't do it all justice for what daunting tasks lie before me.
I could ask for help, but I don't want to ask for any more help. Help is limited and though it is greatly appreciated, the 6 to 1 ratio makes it so very hard to maintain what help has been received. I hate to keep asking. I want to just burn it all down and start over (though God knows I could never do that because I do NOT like to get into any kind of trouble!), at least figuratively. Clothes multiply around here like rabbits on crack! I can't get them all put away properly, yet when I go through them, it seems as if they NEED all that we have. Obviously, if I have a laundry pile as tall as me, they don't NEED all of those clothes. I just have a hard time getting rid of what they do have.
I just know that some things around here have to change. And they have to change now. My grip on this last step right now is tenuous at best.
I wish I could give you a hug. I know there isnt anything I can say to make you feel better. The first day you get a chance to do things around the house, just start with one room. Say start with the room closest to the door you use the most. And then work from there. Dont move on until its done. It will all seem a little less overwhelming if you just focus on just one. I know that doesnt help with you missing your kids. Big hugs.
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