Unwanted.....

Do any of you ever feel that way?  Like no one will ever want you again?  I have.  I went to have a couple of drinks with a girlfriend of mine and another couple that are mutual friends of ours.  The couple left so it was just me and my friend sitting there.  This guy approaches our table and never even says one word to me, just directly addresses my friend and asks if he can buy her a drink. Like I'm not even sitting there.  We are both single mothers and you can't tell that by looking at either of us and I'm sure this guy was just a tool because we've been out to other places and other guys have offered to buy drinks for all of us, no matter how many of us are there.  But this REALLY offended me.  Maybe it was because I already feel unattractive and unwanted and unloveable but it truthfully offended me.  It really was like I didn't exist.  So then I go with this feeling in my mind of me being undesirable and you add to that the fact that I have SIX kids.... no man in his right mind is ever going to want me again until I'm old and gray and my kids are all grown.  I don't think it's as much of a pity party as it sounds, but rather that I'm coming to the realism that I'm a single mom of 6 and that is just too much to ask of anyone else and that I'm going to be alone for a long time.  I have to find a way to come to terms with that.  I'm just not sure how.

Men have a way of screwing up your life and your mind, even after they've left you. 

I know this post sounds depressive, but I'm not really depressed about it.  It's just reality sinking in finally.  I'm pondering how I want to go about changing my life.  I know there are changes I need to make and I'm capable of making them.  It's like cleaning the house right now..... there is just so much to do that needs attention and time that it is overwhelming and you just don't know where to start.  When I've said that outloud to people, they always say "start at the beginning."  Really?  Where is the beginning and where is the end?  I don't think there really is a beginning OR an end, especially in daily life.  I think somedays we just exist.  List your priorities.  There are so many things that are all equally important.  Have I forgotten how to multitask?  LOL No, but somedays it sure seems like it! 

I worry that I might forget how to be loved by anyone other than my children........