You know what I realized today? My oldest daughter is almost 15 years old (and will be 15 1/2 by next summer) and I've never been away from my kids for 2 weeks. Not any of them in 15 years. The longest time I've been away has been 9 days. I even gave up 2 weeks in Hawaii for the Navy Reserves to stay home and breastfeed. So once again he will depriving me and my youngest babies from what my older 4 have had. This saddens me greatly.
Last night at the end of visitation, he tried to get me to sign for my child support.... I told him I wasn't signing anything anymore as he burned that bridge by only telling me half truths. He said "so you don't want a check then?" Whatever. I gave him the alternative of putting it directly into my account. He was none too happy about it. Once again, whatever.
On the upside, I got quite a bit accomplished yesterday and today. I got this blog started, got a ton of laundry and housework done, and today I saw 7 patients (which is a GREAT day!). Tomorrow I have 2 patients to see in the city (versus out of town) and off to the doctor. I hope she can figure out this pain stuff. I'm tired of hurting from head to toe honestly.
Oooooooh and in the next few days, I will be due for my new monthly routine of a massage. I decided about a month ago that I need to do something small for myself every now and again so I signed up at Massage Envy for the monthly massage plan. I don't go anywhere, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't party, I don't even get to do much but clean anymore (I soooooo miss my sewing machine!)..... so I've budgeted to do that for myself. The money is the easy part.... time is a commodity for me.
I have some great friends in this world that are helping me more than they know. Their words of support and understanding are doing more for me than can be imagined. Thank you, friends.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
To cooperate or not?
Hmmm......... the ink isn't even dry on the custody arrangements. Yet he is already asking me to accommodate him for his oldest son's football schedule. He wants me to work something out for 6 Mondays in a row. He said he will also have to get their competitive swimming schedule, too. Part of me wants to cooperate just because that is me, though he would never admit that I'm pretty easy to get along with most of the time. Part of me wants to say Hell No and let it be his problem. The other part of me wants to explore how I can make this work for Sammie come January. I want to start the visitation gradually, not so suddenly. Maybe take her during the days on his weekends for a bit, until she gets used to him, and let me keep her in the evenings? Do I expect that he is going to be open to this idea? No. He is more interested in hurting me than what is best for our kids.
She sleeps with me and nurses ALL night right now and I don't see her giving that up too easily. I wouldn't even know where to begin to know how much milk I would have to pump to send with her for a weekend. I do good to pump just for daycare. She is almost 8 months old right now and has not had a drop of formula. I intend to keep it that way until I'm forced to do otherwise. She won't even take naps without me very well and even the babysitter gave up on trying to lay her down... she usually holds her for naps too. Maybe 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there if she lays on her own, if even that long. Occasionally the babysitter can get her to take a longer nap in the swing, but not on a regular basis. How can it be healthy for her to go for a weekend without much sleep? I do not let my children CIO (cry it out). I don't feel it is necessary at this age...... crying is how they communicate their wants and needs and to ignore their cries to me is to tell them that I don't care to hear what you are saying. If others choose to do that to THEIR kids, then that is their choice, but I can't and won't do that to mine.
So I'm torn as to what to do. Do I cooperate in hopes that come January he will be understanding of our daughter's needs? Or do I say "deal with it, it isn't my problem" and not cooperate? *sigh*
She sleeps with me and nurses ALL night right now and I don't see her giving that up too easily. I wouldn't even know where to begin to know how much milk I would have to pump to send with her for a weekend. I do good to pump just for daycare. She is almost 8 months old right now and has not had a drop of formula. I intend to keep it that way until I'm forced to do otherwise. She won't even take naps without me very well and even the babysitter gave up on trying to lay her down... she usually holds her for naps too. Maybe 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there if she lays on her own, if even that long. Occasionally the babysitter can get her to take a longer nap in the swing, but not on a regular basis. How can it be healthy for her to go for a weekend without much sleep? I do not let my children CIO (cry it out). I don't feel it is necessary at this age...... crying is how they communicate their wants and needs and to ignore their cries to me is to tell them that I don't care to hear what you are saying. If others choose to do that to THEIR kids, then that is their choice, but I can't and won't do that to mine.
So I'm torn as to what to do. Do I cooperate in hopes that come January he will be understanding of our daughter's needs? Or do I say "deal with it, it isn't my problem" and not cooperate? *sigh*
Consumed.........
I'm consumed. Fear, worry, guilt. I'm trying not to be but I can't help it. I feel like I've failed my youngest two in the recent court battle between their dad and me. All I want to do is protect my kids from this hell he has forced us into living. The back and forth, the coming and going, the missing one parent while with the other. He didn't even want them. He wanted me to abort Noah and he left when I was 17 weeks pregnant with Samantha because he didn't want any more kids and harshly stated many times that he didn't want me and couldn't stand me. Now once Samantha turns one, magically I'm supposed to switch off the breastfeeding, co-sleeping switch for her, as we are being forced into going from supervised visits 2-3 times a week to her going for an entire weekend with him. She's going to cry. He's not going to care. He won't call me to come help comfort her. It is all about him and what he wants, not what is best for her. The judge didn't order a gradual switch.... no, it has to be this sudden change for her and I seem to be the only one in my life who thinks this isn't ok for her. January is looming in the distance, like this huge monster waiting to devour my little girl.
Sammie isn't my only concern, as next summer Noah (and I'm not sure if it goes for Sammie too,but I'm terrified it does) will go over there for 2 weeks. 2 weeks without my baby. 2 weeks without his mommy. It is hard enough every other weekend but I can't imagine 2 weeks. I will have to worry about next summer later though, as I'm already getting an ulcer over all of this and still have to face January.
Guilt and disappointment also loom over my head with my oldest 4. They can't stand him, yet they are subjected to seeing Chad every Monday and Wednesday right now and for the next 4 months. They hate him. They hate everything about him and everytime they hear he is coming, the mood in the house changes.... you can feel the hate in the air. My daughter, Allie, won't even come out of her room when he is here. My boys like to see how they can irritate him when he is here, just because they can. I try to discourage it but boys will be boys... what can you do? I have yet to discover a way to explain it to them WHY he HAS to come over to our house. Understanding the situation escapes them right now. They beg to leave when he is coming. This juggling act of emotions kills me. I can't keep all of my children safe and happy.
I want to run. Run far away. Take my 6 babies and just go. Where? I don't know. I don't care. Anywhere far enough away that we can't be found or bothered. The emotions coursing through me are beyond words. They overtake every thought, every quiet moment. Fear. Worry. Guilt. Hate. Disappointment. Love. I'm consumed...........
Sammie isn't my only concern, as next summer Noah (and I'm not sure if it goes for Sammie too,but I'm terrified it does) will go over there for 2 weeks. 2 weeks without my baby. 2 weeks without his mommy. It is hard enough every other weekend but I can't imagine 2 weeks. I will have to worry about next summer later though, as I'm already getting an ulcer over all of this and still have to face January.
Guilt and disappointment also loom over my head with my oldest 4. They can't stand him, yet they are subjected to seeing Chad every Monday and Wednesday right now and for the next 4 months. They hate him. They hate everything about him and everytime they hear he is coming, the mood in the house changes.... you can feel the hate in the air. My daughter, Allie, won't even come out of her room when he is here. My boys like to see how they can irritate him when he is here, just because they can. I try to discourage it but boys will be boys... what can you do? I have yet to discover a way to explain it to them WHY he HAS to come over to our house. Understanding the situation escapes them right now. They beg to leave when he is coming. This juggling act of emotions kills me. I can't keep all of my children safe and happy.
I want to run. Run far away. Take my 6 babies and just go. Where? I don't know. I don't care. Anywhere far enough away that we can't be found or bothered. The emotions coursing through me are beyond words. They overtake every thought, every quiet moment. Fear. Worry. Guilt. Hate. Disappointment. Love. I'm consumed...........
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