Just rambling

I think it all is starting to get to me.  I am fighting this urge to totally retreat into myself.  I don't know if I'm just stressed, tired, or what, but honestly right now it is taking everything I have to talk to anyone.  I guess it is because no one knows how I feel nor goes through the same stuff I'm going through.  Everyone else says "ok suck it up" or "put on your big girl panties" or something as equally annoying and less than understanding and big newsflash.... saying those things don't help.  They only make it worse and push me just that much further away.  My life hasn't been the easiest.  It hasn't been the hardest either I know but amongst my family and IRL friends, I feel like my situation has been the hardest.  I have had to raise my two younger sisters while my mother partied and went through her 2nd & 3rd childhoods.  If things weren't perfect, I was guaranteed to get hit with whatever was closest.  I cooked, cleaned, mowed the yard, cleaned the pool (mom loved to live way above our means), did the laundry, bathed my youngest sister and made sure the next one had a shower, made sure they had their homework done, and so on and so forth.  I never knew what utility would be shut off when I got home from school or if I would be able to get a hold of my mother.  There would be times when she wouldn't come home or I couldn't get a hold of her for days.  I've had to fight for anything and everything I have and have lost.  I joined the military because even though my parents could have helped me with a car or college, they didn't and wouldn't.  I had to elope to get married because my parents wouldn't get along long enough to even attempt to be happy for me..... shoot, I had to pay for my Baccalaureate dress for high school graduation then listen to them go back and forth for almost 4 months about "has your dad paid you yet?" or "has your mom sent you her half yet?" before I was finally able to get them to get me the money they had promised me (and we are only talking $35 each!!!  Imagine trying to do a whole wedding like that!).  My sisters, in contrast to how I was treated, have been royally spoiled and everyone in the family bends over backwards to do for them.  I don't know if it's because I've always had to be so independent (since I was 14) that no one in my family ever considers that I have needs or if I'm really just that unlikeable, but it gets so old hearing and seeing how even though we are all adults now that they are still favored.  I move 50 miles away from them and it took them a year to get out to see my new house and I think in 3 years, they might have been out there 6 or 7 times....yet my sister has a baby and moves to FL and they are crapping all over themselves to get out there to see them.  Meanwhile I now live 20 miles from them and we rarely see them and I'm a single mom of 6.  My two sisters can say anything about me or to me and I am not allowed to get upset and my dad won't get in the middle of it but you let me say one word about the other 2 and my dad is all over me and defending them against whatever I've said.  My mother.... she hasn't spoken to me much in the last 4 or 5 years.  She thinks I'm the one that convinced my youngest sister to move back from CA with her to OK, where we are all from..... only thing is is that I had nothing to do with it at all.  But you can't tell her that.  So I've gone through 2 divorces, 3 pregnancies, and a miscarriage without my mother.... yet she knows everything that is going on because she would pump my youngest sister for info but she would never call me nor return my calls.
I look at all of my friends and family on facebook and just cry.  I look at all of the happy family photos and statuses and see other parents being supportive of their adult children.  Then I see that God forbid I say anything at all that they don't agree with and I'm ripped to shreds.  Everyone tells me to just deal with the fact that I have to be away from my baby girl every other weekend and that divorce sucks for everyone.  I get no sympathy and I'm not allowed to have feelings.  I cry to myself and try to hide it from my kids.  My self-esteem right now is about as low as it has ever been.  I'm the fattest and heaviest I've ever been in my life (even pregnant I wasn't this heavy).... my house is a disaster.... my kids show no respect for me..... my 1st ex-husband told my daughter that I wasn't the best role model for life..... I filed for bankruptcy the week of Christmas.... I've gone from owning a home for the last 15 years of my life to renting because I've lost everything....  I'm a single mom of 6 that has just realized that she's going to die alone because no man in his right mind will ever want to be with a single mom of 6 and you would have to seriously question the sanity or the ulterior motives of one who would want to be with one.  I feel like I'm neglecting my children and their needs by being online at all but if I don't get online, then I typically do NOTHING for myself at all.  My family is highly critical of any time I spend online or basically doing anything but cleaning or hanging out with my kids because that is "just my role in life and that is just being a single mom."
I want to be a part of one of those cute little old couples that never leave each other's side and knows they can count on each other when they are sick.  I don't want to die alone.  I want to be loved and to love someone.  But I'm truly afraid that my reality is that I will do just that..... die alone.