Do any of you ever feel that way? Like no one will ever want you again? I have. I went to have a couple of drinks with a girlfriend of mine and another couple that are mutual friends of ours. The couple left so it was just me and my friend sitting there. This guy approaches our table and never even says one word to me, just directly addresses my friend and asks if he can buy her a drink. Like I'm not even sitting there. We are both single mothers and you can't tell that by looking at either of us and I'm sure this guy was just a tool because we've been out to other places and other guys have offered to buy drinks for all of us, no matter how many of us are there. But this REALLY offended me. Maybe it was because I already feel unattractive and unwanted and unloveable but it truthfully offended me. It really was like I didn't exist. So then I go with this feeling in my mind of me being undesirable and you add to that the fact that I have SIX kids.... no man in his right mind is ever going to want me again until I'm old and gray and my kids are all grown. I don't think it's as much of a pity party as it sounds, but rather that I'm coming to the realism that I'm a single mom of 6 and that is just too much to ask of anyone else and that I'm going to be alone for a long time. I have to find a way to come to terms with that. I'm just not sure how.
Men have a way of screwing up your life and your mind, even after they've left you.
I know this post sounds depressive, but I'm not really depressed about it. It's just reality sinking in finally. I'm pondering how I want to go about changing my life. I know there are changes I need to make and I'm capable of making them. It's like cleaning the house right now..... there is just so much to do that needs attention and time that it is overwhelming and you just don't know where to start. When I've said that outloud to people, they always say "start at the beginning." Really? Where is the beginning and where is the end? I don't think there really is a beginning OR an end, especially in daily life. I think somedays we just exist. List your priorities. There are so many things that are all equally important. Have I forgotten how to multitask? LOL No, but somedays it sure seems like it!
I worry that I might forget how to be loved by anyone other than my children........
Friday, July 1, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Down, down, down.
I feel that downward spiral coming. That one that comes as you feel like you are slipping to rock bottom. I can feel depression trying to sneak up on me. I reach out and grasp a step, clinging to it to avoid the abyss that is waiting. I have to fight it. At moments I feel it all spiraling out of control and I frantically reach out for anything I can hang onto to keep from falling. For a few moments I have a reprieve but I look around, waiting for that next monster to shove me off my sacred step that has given me a momentary reprieve.
I know I'm overwhelmed right now. My kids are gone every other week this summer. I should be happy for the break, right? If only it were that easy for me. I live and breathe for my kids, even though they drive me crazy at times. If I'm to have a break for a week, you would think that would mean a break other than phone calls. Not in my case. With my oldest four being only 3 miles away, they drop by to get anything and everything. They came by tonight because one wanted a water gun, another wanted who knows what, and another one wanted CLEAN SOCKS. Doesn't your daddy have any clean socks for you or can't he wash the ones you have there? *sigh* And this was all after the oldest one came to the house because she finished driver's ed and 3 miles is too far for her to walk to her dad's (which it is right now due to the heat really); but you would think that he should have to make some kind of arrangements for her since he is supposed to be the one in charge of them for the week. Sounds like I'm complaining, I know. I'm not complaining about the kids persay, but more of the fact of constantly being taken advantage of and not appreciated. He said all kinds of horrible things to me because he wants the kids to come live with him, yet he can't manage them for a week without me nor does he provide them with everything they need. He likes to have them there and go have fun, but he doesn't want to do all the grunt work.
I look around my house and the overwhelming sense of dread overtakes me. I'm paralyzed by the sheer volume of mess that abounds. I don't know where to start, like I'm a deer in the headlights of a car coming 90 miles an hour.... I know I need to move but just don't know how or where and it's as if it is all in slow motion. Where to begin? Do I start with the dishes that I can't get any of the kids to help with or do I attempt to tackle that monster pile of laundry that is almost as tall as I am? Do I go through the kids' rooms to clean up or clean up the mess in the living room that they left? Putting it all down in words really just doesn't do it all justice for what daunting tasks lie before me.
I could ask for help, but I don't want to ask for any more help. Help is limited and though it is greatly appreciated, the 6 to 1 ratio makes it so very hard to maintain what help has been received. I hate to keep asking. I want to just burn it all down and start over (though God knows I could never do that because I do NOT like to get into any kind of trouble!), at least figuratively. Clothes multiply around here like rabbits on crack! I can't get them all put away properly, yet when I go through them, it seems as if they NEED all that we have. Obviously, if I have a laundry pile as tall as me, they don't NEED all of those clothes. I just have a hard time getting rid of what they do have.
I just know that some things around here have to change. And they have to change now. My grip on this last step right now is tenuous at best.
I know I'm overwhelmed right now. My kids are gone every other week this summer. I should be happy for the break, right? If only it were that easy for me. I live and breathe for my kids, even though they drive me crazy at times. If I'm to have a break for a week, you would think that would mean a break other than phone calls. Not in my case. With my oldest four being only 3 miles away, they drop by to get anything and everything. They came by tonight because one wanted a water gun, another wanted who knows what, and another one wanted CLEAN SOCKS. Doesn't your daddy have any clean socks for you or can't he wash the ones you have there? *sigh* And this was all after the oldest one came to the house because she finished driver's ed and 3 miles is too far for her to walk to her dad's (which it is right now due to the heat really); but you would think that he should have to make some kind of arrangements for her since he is supposed to be the one in charge of them for the week. Sounds like I'm complaining, I know. I'm not complaining about the kids persay, but more of the fact of constantly being taken advantage of and not appreciated. He said all kinds of horrible things to me because he wants the kids to come live with him, yet he can't manage them for a week without me nor does he provide them with everything they need. He likes to have them there and go have fun, but he doesn't want to do all the grunt work.
I look around my house and the overwhelming sense of dread overtakes me. I'm paralyzed by the sheer volume of mess that abounds. I don't know where to start, like I'm a deer in the headlights of a car coming 90 miles an hour.... I know I need to move but just don't know how or where and it's as if it is all in slow motion. Where to begin? Do I start with the dishes that I can't get any of the kids to help with or do I attempt to tackle that monster pile of laundry that is almost as tall as I am? Do I go through the kids' rooms to clean up or clean up the mess in the living room that they left? Putting it all down in words really just doesn't do it all justice for what daunting tasks lie before me.
I could ask for help, but I don't want to ask for any more help. Help is limited and though it is greatly appreciated, the 6 to 1 ratio makes it so very hard to maintain what help has been received. I hate to keep asking. I want to just burn it all down and start over (though God knows I could never do that because I do NOT like to get into any kind of trouble!), at least figuratively. Clothes multiply around here like rabbits on crack! I can't get them all put away properly, yet when I go through them, it seems as if they NEED all that we have. Obviously, if I have a laundry pile as tall as me, they don't NEED all of those clothes. I just have a hard time getting rid of what they do have.
I just know that some things around here have to change. And they have to change now. My grip on this last step right now is tenuous at best.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Pain issues solved!
I talked before about how I was constantly in pain and couldn't find any relief. Well. I found the answer for me and I think this is the answer for a lot of people. I found a chiropractor that practices the Gonstead Method. And it is a very minimal approach but it works so much better than anything else I have ever tried.
I went in to see Dr Doan for my evaluation and in talking to him, I had told him how badly my neck hurt when the last chiropractor adjusted me and how he had blown me off when I asked him to adjust me in another way. He found which parts of my back were what was causing the problems and he told me that the reason why it hurt so badly when the other chiropractor (who doesn't use the gonstead method) adjusted my neck was because my neck didn't need to be adjusted. OK. So why in the hell does my neck hurt??? Because one of my vertebrae between my shoulder blades was subluxed. Normally you think that pain goes down, and I have based my treatment of many patients based on this theory but you know what? He was absolutely right. He adjusted just two spots on me that day--- between my shoulder blades and my left ileum (hip)--- and within an hour I felt like a new person. My wide spread joint pain that I had...... GONE. I haven't had anything for pain or indigestion nor have I complained or cried or begged for anyone to rub my neck or shoulder. All GONE.
I finally convinced one of my friends to go see him. She was in worse shape than I was. She was facing back surgery and was told that she shouldn't get pregnant because it would cause her too much pain and she would end up on bedrest the whole time and even then they didn't know if she would be able to carry the baby to term. She was taking lortab and muscle relaxers around the clock and drinking wine on top of all of that and STILL crying from the pain. She went and saw him 2 days ago and hasn't had any kind of pain. She did have to take some of her medicines though..... not from pain but from withdrawals! She is absolutely amazed. I bugged her for weeks about going to see him and after her appointment and seeing how wonderful she felt, she said "now you can tell me you told me so." I told her no, I wouldn't say that because it wasn't about that.... it was about her feeling better and avoiding surgery (she's only 30 yikes!) and that it wasn't about who was right or wrong. She was finally convinced to go after I took Sammie to him. She figured if I trusted him enough to take Sammie to him that he must be good.
I've been meaning to get on here and just brag. I've been bragging on my boards to the point that I think people are going to put hot daggers in their eyes if I mention my chiropractor one last time. It has been 2 week since my last appointment and I think it is getting time for another appointment. Did I mention that I'm seriously considering going to school for this? LOL
I went in to see Dr Doan for my evaluation and in talking to him, I had told him how badly my neck hurt when the last chiropractor adjusted me and how he had blown me off when I asked him to adjust me in another way. He found which parts of my back were what was causing the problems and he told me that the reason why it hurt so badly when the other chiropractor (who doesn't use the gonstead method) adjusted my neck was because my neck didn't need to be adjusted. OK. So why in the hell does my neck hurt??? Because one of my vertebrae between my shoulder blades was subluxed. Normally you think that pain goes down, and I have based my treatment of many patients based on this theory but you know what? He was absolutely right. He adjusted just two spots on me that day--- between my shoulder blades and my left ileum (hip)--- and within an hour I felt like a new person. My wide spread joint pain that I had...... GONE. I haven't had anything for pain or indigestion nor have I complained or cried or begged for anyone to rub my neck or shoulder. All GONE.
I finally convinced one of my friends to go see him. She was in worse shape than I was. She was facing back surgery and was told that she shouldn't get pregnant because it would cause her too much pain and she would end up on bedrest the whole time and even then they didn't know if she would be able to carry the baby to term. She was taking lortab and muscle relaxers around the clock and drinking wine on top of all of that and STILL crying from the pain. She went and saw him 2 days ago and hasn't had any kind of pain. She did have to take some of her medicines though..... not from pain but from withdrawals! She is absolutely amazed. I bugged her for weeks about going to see him and after her appointment and seeing how wonderful she felt, she said "now you can tell me you told me so." I told her no, I wouldn't say that because it wasn't about that.... it was about her feeling better and avoiding surgery (she's only 30 yikes!) and that it wasn't about who was right or wrong. She was finally convinced to go after I took Sammie to him. She figured if I trusted him enough to take Sammie to him that he must be good.
I've been meaning to get on here and just brag. I've been bragging on my boards to the point that I think people are going to put hot daggers in their eyes if I mention my chiropractor one last time. It has been 2 week since my last appointment and I think it is getting time for another appointment. Did I mention that I'm seriously considering going to school for this? LOL
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Just rambling
I think it all is starting to get to me. I am fighting this urge to totally retreat into myself. I don't know if I'm just stressed, tired, or what, but honestly right now it is taking everything I have to talk to anyone. I guess it is because no one knows how I feel nor goes through the same stuff I'm going through. Everyone else says "ok suck it up" or "put on your big girl panties" or something as equally annoying and less than understanding and big newsflash.... saying those things don't help. They only make it worse and push me just that much further away. My life hasn't been the easiest. It hasn't been the hardest either I know but amongst my family and IRL friends, I feel like my situation has been the hardest. I have had to raise my two younger sisters while my mother partied and went through her 2nd & 3rd childhoods. If things weren't perfect, I was guaranteed to get hit with whatever was closest. I cooked, cleaned, mowed the yard, cleaned the pool (mom loved to live way above our means), did the laundry, bathed my youngest sister and made sure the next one had a shower, made sure they had their homework done, and so on and so forth. I never knew what utility would be shut off when I got home from school or if I would be able to get a hold of my mother. There would be times when she wouldn't come home or I couldn't get a hold of her for days. I've had to fight for anything and everything I have and have lost. I joined the military because even though my parents could have helped me with a car or college, they didn't and wouldn't. I had to elope to get married because my parents wouldn't get along long enough to even attempt to be happy for me..... shoot, I had to pay for my Baccalaureate dress for high school graduation then listen to them go back and forth for almost 4 months about "has your dad paid you yet?" or "has your mom sent you her half yet?" before I was finally able to get them to get me the money they had promised me (and we are only talking $35 each!!! Imagine trying to do a whole wedding like that!). My sisters, in contrast to how I was treated, have been royally spoiled and everyone in the family bends over backwards to do for them. I don't know if it's because I've always had to be so independent (since I was 14) that no one in my family ever considers that I have needs or if I'm really just that unlikeable, but it gets so old hearing and seeing how even though we are all adults now that they are still favored. I move 50 miles away from them and it took them a year to get out to see my new house and I think in 3 years, they might have been out there 6 or 7 times....yet my sister has a baby and moves to FL and they are crapping all over themselves to get out there to see them. Meanwhile I now live 20 miles from them and we rarely see them and I'm a single mom of 6. My two sisters can say anything about me or to me and I am not allowed to get upset and my dad won't get in the middle of it but you let me say one word about the other 2 and my dad is all over me and defending them against whatever I've said. My mother.... she hasn't spoken to me much in the last 4 or 5 years. She thinks I'm the one that convinced my youngest sister to move back from CA with her to OK, where we are all from..... only thing is is that I had nothing to do with it at all. But you can't tell her that. So I've gone through 2 divorces, 3 pregnancies, and a miscarriage without my mother.... yet she knows everything that is going on because she would pump my youngest sister for info but she would never call me nor return my calls.
I look at all of my friends and family on facebook and just cry. I look at all of the happy family photos and statuses and see other parents being supportive of their adult children. Then I see that God forbid I say anything at all that they don't agree with and I'm ripped to shreds. Everyone tells me to just deal with the fact that I have to be away from my baby girl every other weekend and that divorce sucks for everyone. I get no sympathy and I'm not allowed to have feelings. I cry to myself and try to hide it from my kids. My self-esteem right now is about as low as it has ever been. I'm the fattest and heaviest I've ever been in my life (even pregnant I wasn't this heavy).... my house is a disaster.... my kids show no respect for me..... my 1st ex-husband told my daughter that I wasn't the best role model for life..... I filed for bankruptcy the week of Christmas.... I've gone from owning a home for the last 15 years of my life to renting because I've lost everything.... I'm a single mom of 6 that has just realized that she's going to die alone because no man in his right mind will ever want to be with a single mom of 6 and you would have to seriously question the sanity or the ulterior motives of one who would want to be with one. I feel like I'm neglecting my children and their needs by being online at all but if I don't get online, then I typically do NOTHING for myself at all. My family is highly critical of any time I spend online or basically doing anything but cleaning or hanging out with my kids because that is "just my role in life and that is just being a single mom."
I want to be a part of one of those cute little old couples that never leave each other's side and knows they can count on each other when they are sick. I don't want to die alone. I want to be loved and to love someone. But I'm truly afraid that my reality is that I will do just that..... die alone.
I look at all of my friends and family on facebook and just cry. I look at all of the happy family photos and statuses and see other parents being supportive of their adult children. Then I see that God forbid I say anything at all that they don't agree with and I'm ripped to shreds. Everyone tells me to just deal with the fact that I have to be away from my baby girl every other weekend and that divorce sucks for everyone. I get no sympathy and I'm not allowed to have feelings. I cry to myself and try to hide it from my kids. My self-esteem right now is about as low as it has ever been. I'm the fattest and heaviest I've ever been in my life (even pregnant I wasn't this heavy).... my house is a disaster.... my kids show no respect for me..... my 1st ex-husband told my daughter that I wasn't the best role model for life..... I filed for bankruptcy the week of Christmas.... I've gone from owning a home for the last 15 years of my life to renting because I've lost everything.... I'm a single mom of 6 that has just realized that she's going to die alone because no man in his right mind will ever want to be with a single mom of 6 and you would have to seriously question the sanity or the ulterior motives of one who would want to be with one. I feel like I'm neglecting my children and their needs by being online at all but if I don't get online, then I typically do NOTHING for myself at all. My family is highly critical of any time I spend online or basically doing anything but cleaning or hanging out with my kids because that is "just my role in life and that is just being a single mom."
I want to be a part of one of those cute little old couples that never leave each other's side and knows they can count on each other when they are sick. I don't want to die alone. I want to be loved and to love someone. But I'm truly afraid that my reality is that I will do just that..... die alone.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Once an Ass, Always an Ass, I suppose.....
Chad is just a real piece of work. If it weren't for my two beautiful children, I would honestly wish to God that I had NEVER met him. I DO wish to God that he would go out of my life for good right now and leave me and my precious babies alone. We would be just fine without him. Actually. We would be BETTER than fine!
What kind of an ass insists upon taking a 3 year old away from his mother for 8 days for the first time ever? At Christmas for the first Christmas away? AND on his baby sister's FIRST Christmas??? And to top it all off, soon he will be taking Sammie for every other weekend, despite the fact that she still nurses all night long every night and sleeps with me.
Then he tells me that he isn't going to pay for any of Sammie's chiropractor bill, because I didn't talk to him first and she has insurance. Well, she has state insurance, which 1) doesn't pay for anything other than basic care, 2) doesn't pay for chiropractors even with a referral, and 3) he doesn't take insurance anyway. Getting a referral through state insurance is about as fast as getting one through Indian Health. LOL And I DID talk to him about the chiopractor appt. She got out of the hospital Wednesday night and on our visit Friday evening, I talked to him about her going to my chiropractor on Monday. He made some snide comment about how he is surprised that I would take Sammie to a chiropractor because she is so young. Yet he professes to be all into everything natural.
Grrr. Ok, I'm trying to simmer down now. No sense in being all in a tizzy on New Year's, right?
God, please forgive me for being so evil. I might have given certain information to certain people that might have been interested in finding a certain someone. I'm sorry that I did it ---ok, strike that.... that is a lie. I'm sorry that I sunk that low but he is basically walking away scott-free from this entire situation so far. I'm, as with our entire relationship, the only one paying the piper and it just isn't fair. Let him have a taste of his own medicine for a change. Sorry, God, but I guess that some people will remain asses their entire lives.
What kind of an ass insists upon taking a 3 year old away from his mother for 8 days for the first time ever? At Christmas for the first Christmas away? AND on his baby sister's FIRST Christmas??? And to top it all off, soon he will be taking Sammie for every other weekend, despite the fact that she still nurses all night long every night and sleeps with me.
Then he tells me that he isn't going to pay for any of Sammie's chiropractor bill, because I didn't talk to him first and she has insurance. Well, she has state insurance, which 1) doesn't pay for anything other than basic care, 2) doesn't pay for chiropractors even with a referral, and 3) he doesn't take insurance anyway. Getting a referral through state insurance is about as fast as getting one through Indian Health. LOL And I DID talk to him about the chiopractor appt. She got out of the hospital Wednesday night and on our visit Friday evening, I talked to him about her going to my chiropractor on Monday. He made some snide comment about how he is surprised that I would take Sammie to a chiropractor because she is so young. Yet he professes to be all into everything natural.
Grrr. Ok, I'm trying to simmer down now. No sense in being all in a tizzy on New Year's, right?
God, please forgive me for being so evil. I might have given certain information to certain people that might have been interested in finding a certain someone. I'm sorry that I did it ---ok, strike that.... that is a lie. I'm sorry that I sunk that low but he is basically walking away scott-free from this entire situation so far. I'm, as with our entire relationship, the only one paying the piper and it just isn't fair. Let him have a taste of his own medicine for a change. Sorry, God, but I guess that some people will remain asses their entire lives.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Blah..... for a lack of a better title!
Well the cold front has come in and the weather is cooler. This makes me sooooo happy as I love jacket and blanket weather! However, I am feeling a little under the weather today. Thankfully I have a doctor appointment scheduled for tomorrow already and my work load is light this week. I can definitely use a break.
I have taken Zoloft in the past and it did nothing for me. My doctor put me back on Zoloft and gave me Klonopin (anti-anxiety) and I have to say that my pain has actually decreased by about half. And I'm not sure if it is the medicine or if it is just time, but I can now talk about the injustice coming in January for Sammie without tears. I wouldn't say I can talk about it without bitterness or anxiety though!
My kids and I now dread Mondays and Wednesdays because you-know-who comes over to visit the little ones. I am almost eager for January to get here just so I don't have to continue to subject my older kids to the seemingly constant intrusion that the situation creates. He still continues to put his oldest 3 ahead of the little ones, but that is nothing new. I am really REALLY tired of hearing how he is broke or doesn't have money for this or that.... thinking about asking my attorney to have him stop that, along with his accusations of me trying to cause Sammie to get autism because I get her vaccinated.
I have to get my bankruptcy stuff going because I have a new court date for an asset hearing and I need to have it filed by then. Don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but evidently there was a bench warrant out for my arrest. The sheriff actually came to my house (at bedtime no less) and arrested me...... all because I didn't pay my credit card and they sued me (I missed a court date that I didn't realize I had to be at). I can't believe how crazy my life has become. I have never been so humiliated in my life.
Well, that is the latest update on my life. Now I'm back to laundry and cleaning and getting stuff ready for bankruptcy court........ Hope everyone is well.
I have taken Zoloft in the past and it did nothing for me. My doctor put me back on Zoloft and gave me Klonopin (anti-anxiety) and I have to say that my pain has actually decreased by about half. And I'm not sure if it is the medicine or if it is just time, but I can now talk about the injustice coming in January for Sammie without tears. I wouldn't say I can talk about it without bitterness or anxiety though!
My kids and I now dread Mondays and Wednesdays because you-know-who comes over to visit the little ones. I am almost eager for January to get here just so I don't have to continue to subject my older kids to the seemingly constant intrusion that the situation creates. He still continues to put his oldest 3 ahead of the little ones, but that is nothing new. I am really REALLY tired of hearing how he is broke or doesn't have money for this or that.... thinking about asking my attorney to have him stop that, along with his accusations of me trying to cause Sammie to get autism because I get her vaccinated.
I have to get my bankruptcy stuff going because I have a new court date for an asset hearing and I need to have it filed by then. Don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but evidently there was a bench warrant out for my arrest. The sheriff actually came to my house (at bedtime no less) and arrested me...... all because I didn't pay my credit card and they sued me (I missed a court date that I didn't realize I had to be at). I can't believe how crazy my life has become. I have never been so humiliated in my life.
Well, that is the latest update on my life. Now I'm back to laundry and cleaning and getting stuff ready for bankruptcy court........ Hope everyone is well.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Letting go of some control....
It makes me so very sad that things couldn't have worked out with Michael, my first husband He is such a good guy. Most of the time, when I feel like I can't count on anyone else, I can generally count on him. Yes he is still anal and still controlling, but he is stable and dependable. I will have to talk more about him later..... he is coming over to teach our oldest son how to mow the yard so I don't have to mow it.
Yes. You read that correctly. I'm letting go of a little bit of control in my life. I'm absolutely terrified that something bad will happen to one of my children so I tend to not let them do anything I consider even remotely dangerous. Like mowing the yard. They might cut off a toe or get a rock kicked up in their eye or any one of a number of scenarios my mind can imagine. I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle it. I'm such a worry-wort.
I wonder what other household tasks I can give away.......
Yes. You read that correctly. I'm letting go of a little bit of control in my life. I'm absolutely terrified that something bad will happen to one of my children so I tend to not let them do anything I consider even remotely dangerous. Like mowing the yard. They might cut off a toe or get a rock kicked up in their eye or any one of a number of scenarios my mind can imagine. I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle it. I'm such a worry-wort.
I wonder what other household tasks I can give away.......
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